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ENG 122 English Composition II
video / papers on the go
Daniel I. Beck


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​Your tutor has written overview comments about your essay in the form below. Your tutor has also embedded comments [in bold and in brackets] within your essay. Thank you for choosing Smarthinking to help you improve your writing!
Hello, Arefa! I'm Aira A., and I look forward to working with you on this Essay Center Review to improve your writing today. Let's get started!



*Writing Strength: You present the main idea of your work at the end of your introduction, which is how Walmart is the best company to start a job, get free education, and be trained and become experienced. This provides your readers with an overview of your paper and prepares them for the discussion ahead. Great work, Arefa!
Organization 
One of the issues that I noticed in your essay is that some of your body paragraphs do not have accurate topic sentences. A topic sentence is the first sentence of a body paragraph, and it presents the main topic of discussion in a paragraph. Therefore, an inaccurate topic sentence at the beginning of a body paragraph might be misleading and can cause your readers to dive in unprepared for the discussion regarding the reasons why Walmart is the best company to choose when starting your career. For example, in the topic sentence of your first body paragraph, you say that the age requirement in Walmart may vary depending on the job role. However, this paragraph also talks about the various benefits that Walmart provides, but you do not mention this in your topic sentence, Arefa. Hence, the topic sentence does not accurately establish the focus of the discussion in this paragraph. Here’s a sample topic sentence from a similar essay to help you fix this concern:
·   The institution accepts students of all races and provides them with various resources that can help with their intellectual progress.
Notice that the statement establishes the focus of discussion in the body paragraph, which is the students that are accepted in the school and the resources that the institution provides. Consider this sample as a reference when you revise your topic sentence. After that, look for other topic sentences in your draft that might need the same revision.
*Arefa 12652989, you requested help with Use of Resources:  
Some of the in-text citations in your draft are not properly formatted per APA 7th guidelines. Here’s one example from your work:
·   According to Walmart news site, "As the largest U.S. private employer, Walmart is committing to invest nearly $1 billion over the next five years in career-driven training and development." (Reference: https://corporate.walmart.com/newsroom/2021/07/27/walmart-to-pay-100-of-college-tuition-and-books-for-associates#:~:text=As%20the%20largest%20U.S.%20private,career%2Ddriven%20training%20and%20development.)
Above, you cite the URL of your source. However, according to APA 7th guidelines, when citing an article that has no author, you can cite its title instead, followed by the year of publication. In this source’s case, its title is “Walmart To Pay 100% of College Tuition and Books for Associates,” and it was published in 2021. Here’s a sample statement that has an in-text citation:
·   According to an article, yoga can also alleviate symptoms of depression (“The Various Benefits of Yoga,” 2018).
Notice that I only cite the title of the article and its date of publication. Use this sample as a reference when you correct the error in your in-text citation above. After that, try to find other in-text citations in your draft that might need the same revision.
*Arefa 12652989, you requested help with Grammar & Mechanics:  
Lastly, there are missing commas after the introductory elements in some of your sentences. Take a look at this sentence from your first body paragraph:
·   Based on department and job role age requirement may vary.
In the sentence above, you don’t separate the main clause and the introductory phrase “Based on department and job role” with a comma. If there is no comma, the introductory part and the main clause can run together and become confusing for readers. A comma after the introductory element indicates that the main sentence will follow. Take a look at this example:
·   Incorrect: Based on the students’ academic performance the teacher will choose who can participate in the competition.
·   Correct: Based on the students’ academic performance, the teacher will choose who can participate in the competition.
The incorrect version is confusing because the introductory part runs together with the main sentence, while in the correct version of the sentence, there is a comma after the introductory phrase “Based on the students’ academic performance.” Follow this example when you revise your sentence above. Then, try to look for other sentences in your draft that might need the same revision. 




Summary of Next Steps: 
·   Develop accurate topic sentences for some of your body paragraphs.
 
·   Fix the format of some of your in-text citations.
 
·   Place commas after the introductory elements in some of your sentences.

Thank you for submitting your essay for a review, Arefa. I enjoyed helping you with this step in the revision process. Have a good day! ~Aira A.
You can find more information about writing, grammar, and usage in the Smarthinking Writer's Handbook.
_________________________________________________________________________________
Please look for comments [in bold and in brackets] in your essay below.
Thank you for submitting your work to Smarthinking! We hope to see you again soon.



 
 
 
 
 
 
Week 2 Review Essay First Draft
 
Arefa Nila
Wilmington University
ENG 122 English Composition II
Instructor: Daniel I. Beck
September 12, 2022


 


Best company to start career
            What is in your mind, which company is best to start first career? Where you will find continuous different kinds of customer? With your job where you can get full educational scholarship? Where you can start earning from age 16th? And where you can do light job in your old age? Yes, by default in most people’s mind will come the name Walmart. Walmart is the best company to start job, getting free education, training and variety customer experience for young generation.
 
Walmart provides access to opportunities for all kinds of people to help them build valuable skills and grow their careers. Based on department and job role, age requirement may vary. From age 16th anyone can join. Even senior citizen can also work in Walmart (“Walmart Careers,” 2022).
 
Walmart provides a lot benefits for its employees including all required trainings to be successful. They are always updating the site with relevant information and materials.  Employee can get training with instant evaluation from the training portal. Even they can do the training in the approved mobile device. Anytime employee feel any knowledge gaps, they can have the access on study material, which helps to prepare employees to perform the best. On the other hand, Walmart pays 100% for college tuition up to Bachelor program. They also pay for the books and study materials. The interesting thing is Walmart pay the fee till the employee pass on that subject.
 
According to Walmart news site, "As the largest U.S. private employer, Walmart is committing to invest nearly $1 billion over the next five years in career-driven training and development (“Walmart to Pay 100% of College Tuition and Books for Associates,”,2018)”. Not only business, directly and indirectly Walmart is helping the nation. In pandemic time Walmart also did care for their employee as well as the customers.
 
Walmart operates more than 10,500 in 24 countries and employs over 2.2 million associates all around the world (Working at Walmart, 2022). Because of variety of customers and their variety of needs day by day employee became stronger in customer service. Not only in retail, Walmart also have money service which is an extra experience field for employee.
 
Never found any strong bad points against Walmart. Only if we compare with other companies the salary is very low. But overall there is no doubt that, Walmart is the best company to start job, getting free education, training and variety customer experience for young generation.

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